Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear mom, You may have seen me naked when I was a baby, but that was 15 years ago. Sincerely, please learn to knock.

   A big thankyou goes out to the inventors of texting on cell phones and social networks like Twitter! Teaching women to say what they really mean in 140 characters or less! Something men have been trying to teach them to do since the cave man.

   Automatic urinal. Automatic soap dispenser. Automatic hand dryer. Gets rendered useless after you grab the bathroom doors handle.

   Music is my drugs, Youtube is my DEALER, VEVO are the COPS

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   HAPPY HOT MAMA DAY... to all the MILFs out there! :)

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?

   Happy Mother's Day to all the Mother's that have touched my life and an unhappy one to all the Motherf#*ckers that I encounter everyday!

   Best advice my mom ever gave me .. "Marry a girl with small hands because it will make your pecker look bigger."

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!

   "The '60s are gone, dope will never be as cheap, sex never as free, and the rock and roll never as great." Abbie Hoffman

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   "Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves...

   not sure why any man would be in a polygamist relationship just increases the odds of having a psycho ex wife.

   Today the rest of you women don't matter til' Monday...and when Tuesday rolls around a couple of you still won't matter.

   I guess Mother's Day is kind of awkward to a woman who has had multiple abortions. Thanks mom for not pulling the plug on me! Happy Mothers Day. :)

   what is the differance between a black guy and a large pizza?? a large pizza can feed a family!