Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

   If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

   If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast

   Rapture Prank: Put small piles of clothes around local churches the morning of 5/22 & record reactions : )

   It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.

   Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.

   If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.

   There is no such thing as instant experience.

   The sucky thing about rapture is that I was totally going to start a workout regime THAT NIGHT. Stupid end of days.

   Just choked on someone's fart cloud in the computer lab. The Rapture can't come soon enough.

   Why cant I find Stephen Hawkings new techno album 'heaven is a fairy story for people afraid of the dark' on Itunes?????

   I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages

   Jennifer Anistons dog Normam dies -CNN... CNN, Dude seriously! www.whocares.com

   I got their girl going down like the ps3 network!

   Remember, don't text while being raptured.

   For sale. One Afghan bed, no longer required as owner has gone to sea. Looks new but it has bin laid in.

   Women who bleach their mustaches, clearly don't understand the problem with mustaches.

   The cops came at my house last night and told me my dogs had been chasing someone on a scooter. I told them off. My dogs don't even have a scooter..

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...