Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   You ever have one those great days where everything is going right? F#ck You.

   There are some days when I just really do not want to wake up early and go to work. I call these days Monday - Friday.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   My girlfriend says she's going to leave me for being too impatient. I can't wait.

   Back in my day, I had to listen to my friends complain about their problems for hours, on a phone, connected to a wall... knowing they would ignore my advice and make a bad decision no matter what the hell I said. Now I can just log off Facebook.

   Christmas shopping done.... I got everyone a box with a note in it that reads. "Sorry, the world was suppose to end so I didn't get you anything. Blame the Mayans!"

   Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him I guess the trial will last 30 days.

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   You complete me. Which makes me a complete idiot.

   A pinata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.

   I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.

   I want to be rich enough to appreciate ugly art.

   Dear Dude, who's slowly walking towards me at the park bench, dragging his one leg and can't keep his balance. Please be drunk and not a zombie.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   A creepy clown? A robber wearing a cape? A purple gluttonous blob? If you think about it, the McDonald's mascots are horrifying.

   I always wonder when somebody post "gym time" on their wall and people actually like it... does this mean people know you are fat and they "like" that you're finally doing something about it?

   I like to spend my Monday mornings avoiding people who might ask about my weekend.

   People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.

   I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him." They might as well just say, "He's a d!ckhead, but you'll get used to it"