Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

   After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know that all sales don't have to be final.

   there is a big diffrence when a boy and a girl says "i went through a box of tissue watching a movie"

   Fellas: when speaking to a lady, never hang up first.

   You are too blessed to be stressed, depressed or dealing with mess. Never suppress your success, instead profess your progress. Then sit back and let the HATERS obsess to excess over what you possess...more or less. And now I digress.

   I'm selling baby shirts that says "Not everything stays in Vegas."

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   The secret to eternal happiness lies in the acceptance of its nonexistence.

   Fellas, if she doesn't kiss you by the 4th date she's only in it for the free food.

   Fellaz, when a woman says, "that feels good," it doesn't mean go faster and harder. It means to keep doing that.

   I see flies everywhere but the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Men see what women do, but they never know what women think while they are doing it.

   Yes I admit, I pee in the shower. There is a drain and running water. Why not?

   Fellaz, when a woman offers you gum, it means she want to kiss you later. Don't take it as an insult, just take the gum.

   Do yall have any idea how many holes there would be if we just started taking the dirt of them??

   ME: "I wanted to marry you but my family members refused: HER: "Who are they to deny our love?" ME: "My wife and 2 kids"

   Happy Tuesday ❤═════❤JUNE 21st ❤═════❤the Longest Day of the Year✿◠‿◠) Hope you are having an amazing day✿◠‿◠)

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....