Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so gangsta, I don't even report to Microsoft when Firefox unexpectedly quits. Snitches get Stitches B*tches!

   This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99

   million dollar Idea! !!..Cologne for your balls that activates at the the drop of a sweat.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   If you hit your girlfriend's best friend with a car, apparently, "I banged your best friend" is the wrong way to inform her.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   never wants to go to bed, yet I never want to wake up in the morning. Why can't my "late night" self make some kind of compromise with my "early morning have-to-go-to work" self?

   I wish I had sex as often as I get screwed.

   The difference between a good night and a great night is waking up nude.

   I judge you by what's behind you in your photos.

   Facebook: a place where people announce their problems to the world but not to the person they have a problem with.

   Almost 7 billion people on the planet and I find about 10 of them somewhat tolerable once in a while.

   I'm having one of those 'wish I lived in Amsterdam' kinda days.

   Middle finger up... Cause I dont give a fu**!

   geez, I'm guessing from all the depressing posts on FB that it's "that time of the month"

   The words "Haters" and "Swag" are overused by the people who have neither.

   BREAKING: Reality TV star Rod Blagojevich to move from NBC's 'Celebrity Apprentice' to MSNBC's 'Lockdown'.........

   In the show "Get Out," you will see destinations you'll never go to hosted by women who will never sleep with you... in HD.