Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And another reason NASCAR sucks....A driver can go the entire season, including "The Chase" portion without winning a race and still with the championship. Lame!

   There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

   I was on the phone last night with my mom and I was telling her that I had a real bad headache? She says, "You have any acetylsalicylic acid?" I said, "Ma, you mean aspirin?" She goes, “That's it, I can never remember that word.”

   why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!

   Every time I see a female sword swallower I think ...... she use to have a black boyfriend

   i think my Yogurts haunted ...... Paranormal Activia

   4 out of 5 turtles are Ninjas

   if you have never given yourself troll hair while taking a bath .. then you probably don't have a soul

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   The other day my car's “Check Engine” light came on, so I popped the hood and looked, and the engine was still there. Silly light!

   We cant pretend to be strangers when I have seen you naked!

   Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?

   I would slap you right now but I don't want to get arrested for animal abuse.

   The world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going.

   I'm not your Father but I can be your friend ( Heavy breathing ) - Step-dad Darth Vader

   just saw George Washington advertised for deadliest warriors I think they're running out of warriors

   procrastination personified.

   At some point, my grandmother stopped admiring how big I was getting.

   I always use the self-checkout lane to avoid being embarrassed when my card is declined.

   whenever i'm bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!