Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   Haters can only hate the things they can't have and the people they can't be.

   So now if you tell a woman you want to eat her is she going to cover her face and scream?

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Updating my resume... What's a fancy way to say, "I haven't done anything for the past 6 months?"

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

   The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people that there's an empty parking space when it's actually occupied by small cars.

   A mom is cleaning her son's bedroom and finds a hidden stack of bondage and fetish magazines. She asks her husband what to do and he says, "What ever you do, don't f*ckin' spank him!"

   A slut is simply a woman with the morals of a man.

   If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

   Cashier: "Would you like to help feed the hungry today?" Me: "That's why I'm shopping, moron."

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   I posted on your wall. No, not Facebook, look at the side of your house. :)

   Wikipedia has its own wikipedia page. Can you say redundant? If you have to wikipedia wikipedia, you have no buisness being on wikipedia.

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   Most people don't act stupid – it's the real thing.