Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   I love when you say something that is just dripping with sarcasm and people still can't figure it out.

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Like this status if you know someone who's only alive because you don't want to go to jail...

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   Being a responsible adult is seriously messing up my social life.

   You look familiar to me. Are you the person that my parents warned me about? If so... do you wanna get a room?

   Winter Weather Advisory: Go back to bed until mid April.

   If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.

   Wives are funny creatures. They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then they want to kill the first woman who does.

   I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.

   I texted my girlfriend "I love you" and she texted back "I love you more. When I went to respond I made a typo and sent "I love you moist"....I figured why correct it, it's true too.

   You all drink too much, you cuss too much, and you all have very questionable morals... Everything I ever wanted in a friend!

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "WTF! You too? I thought I was the only one."

   It's 2011, microwaves should have one button that says Cook Shit.

   I don't come to Facebook to read the status updates as a time killer anymore, I come to read the fights in the comment box. It's more entertaining.