Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   Just read my daughter's diary & I'm shocked and horrified by her spelling: "Falayshio" "Vycoton" "Kill Prinsaple." It's embarrassing.

   Polls show that if the election were held today...an overwhelming majority of Americans would be very surprised.

   I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

   Just once I would like to see some creativity and have a meeting done with interpretive dance instead of powerpoint

   If the breakfast club existed now I'd eat all their cereal and steal their cell phones

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"

   I never root for a mime or a guy with a chain wallet to walk it across the street successfully.

   While I'm flattered Smoky thinks otherwise, I'm not the only one who can prevent forest fires.

   Why would LL Kool J's Mom want me to be knocked out? What did I do?

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"