Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone else feel that? Oprah must be fat again

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes

   I was on the toilet droppin a deuce, and thought it was epic until CNN had to ruin my personal high with their eathquake kill joy!

   Damn Earthquake made me spill my tea, and I'm a 1000 miles away.. I'm available for interviews ; )

   It's only insulting when you don't have a sense of humor.

   This Jack Daniels tastes a little bit like I'm not going to work tomorrow.

   A woman walks up to the golf pro at her country club and complains that something must be done about the bees on the course. "Where did you get stung?" he asks. "Between the first and second holes," she says. "Well then, your stance is too wide."

   I dont know what you're doing, but I'm watching Fox News waiting for them to find a way to blame Obama for the earthquake...

   Earthquakes, The number 1 cause of all Facebook updates.

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   4 Steps to dealing with telemarketers: 1. Repeat yourself 3 times 2. Always respond in question form 3. Scream at random 4. Make no sense

   "That guy is such a douchebag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!" - Women

   Son: Dad can I go to a 50 Cent concert? Dad: Here's $1, take your sister with you.

   It took losing you to find me though it would have taken finding me to keep me from losing you.

   A new study says the Internet is as addictive as cigarettes & booze. But every blog that I've read for the last 8 hours straight disagrees

   Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green.

   If you have a pic of a celebrity as your profile pic I am going to assume you are one ugly puppy with extreme low self esteem.

   And now, for my amazing feat today, I shall turn water into coffee!! Tune in later for world domination....after the laundrys done ;)

   The GOP slams Obama's Martha's Vineyard vacation. They'd denounce it from the floor of Congress, but they're all on vacation...

   I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have also bought jewelry.