Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice? Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

   They are giving free AIDS test at the DMV. The only thing worse than waiting in line at DMV is finding out you have AIDS.

   It's weird that my neighbors won't let me borrow their keys & make a copy of them in case I need to clean their house while they're asleep.

   I hate when I'm spying on someone while they're showering and they let out a huge fart. What a sicko.

   When writing a resume, it's much more valuable to say you are an expert at "replicate and repurpose functionality" than "copy and paste."

   If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   all restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough

   I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever.

   I just took the garbage out. In 3D.

   And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve

   Some day, I will meet a woman who loves me for who I am and supports all my dreams. And I'll think, "Something must be wrong with this one."

   If you survived a shark attack, nice job, @#!*% . You just missed out on the coolest way to die.

   ‎"I didn't know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book"

   Wedding Rings... The world's smallest handcuffs!

   SON: Dad, Can I go to a 50cent Concert? DAD: Here's $1. Take your sister too

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   When my girlfriend and I fight, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house. Just so I can say "Oh yeah, you need me NOW, huh?

   WORD OF THE DAY: OBAMA. As in: I bought a 12 pack of beer and drank it OBAMA self.

   There's a limited amount of people whose feelings I care for. The rest of you all can go to a therapist for that.

   Women should "learn to close softly the doors to rooms they will not be coming back to.”