Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   LOGOUT: The hardest button to click on Facebook.

   Friend: Someone who draws on your face while passed out. True Friend: Someone who posts pictures of said drawings on Facebook.

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."

   I'm looking for a few women to form a playgroup on weekday afternoons....... No kids, please.......

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together. ;)

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   Since there are more Chinese people than any other race on Earth, does that mean they have normal eyes and we have big crazy googly ones?

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.

   Saves lives each day... because there are people out there that need to be shot, and I don't shoot 'em!

   Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

   I have a feeling if I was superhero, my name would be Sarcasmo.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.