Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   I used to get scared when I worked nights as a security guard so I carried a security blanket.

   My sixth sense is upon entering someone's home for the first time, I immediately know where the pillow forts should be built.

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   Corned beef and cabbage. Proof that drunk people really will eat anything.

   Why is it so hard to find a soothsayer in this day and age?!

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   At the end of my dinner the waiter asks "wanna box" so I got up and knocked him out. I bet he won't ask that question again.

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   I had to put my pet rock to sleep. It attacked all my pet scissors.

   Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing

   I've come to the realization that LL Cool J's momma is a real trouble maker

   Hoping it's gonna be the kind of day when I take a book out a bookcase and it's a lever that revolves into a secret room.