Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you have ADD & OCD all you get done is getting everything organized

   Wanna know the difference between a red head and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist

   They should send retirement statements out in different colored envelopes based on gains and losses. That way I don't have to wait to get pi$$ed off!!

   Ughh,,,, I was in a house today that smelled like someone died in it ....while looking for someone else who died in it..... After cooking dog farts wrapped in cabbage....

   Everybody checks their facebook at least once a day. If they say they don't, they're lying...

   People should come with a warning label of does or does not wash hands after using the restroom

   OK...if you're a fish, do you have to wait 30 mins to swim after you eat??

   It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

   Saddam Hussein ☑ - Osama Bin Laden ☑ - Louie walsh √ - Col. Gaddafi ☑

   If one person has an imaginary friend, they're crazy, if many people have the same imaginary friend, it's religion??

   If you are fat and your wearing skinny jeans, it does not make you look skinny.. it makes you look silly!!!

   I am more impressed with those who ask good questions than I am with those that have good answers.

   "OMG your fake tan looks so good!" LOL JK, it looks like you got raped by an orange

   Halloween ,the only time peados get home dilevary!!

   What's a girlfriend and how can I download one?

   To everyone who is dying to be s0meone else. R.I.P!!

   I was told to get a life so Up Up, Down Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start now I have 30 of them!

   Do as I say not as I Facebook

   A tooth allegedly belonging to John Lennon is being put up for auction… you know times are bad when the Tooth-fairy needs cash...

   What you don't have time for the next man will...........What you don't wanna do the next chick will.