Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   May you be as happy as a person in an infomercial today.

   A girl I know went to apply for a job at Hooters. She said there was no application, they gave her a bra and said, "Here fill this out."

   I dreamed I had sex with my ex last night. I swear she ruins everything.

   Life is a roller coaster. You can either scream every time you hit a bump or you can throw your hands up in the air and enjoy it.

   MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: A passenger side drive-thru window for their complicated orders.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   I dont care what women say, size matters in bed.The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   Learn from the past, live for today, look for tomorrow, take a nap this afternoon.

   If you ever think your invention idea is stupid and won't make money, simply remember how many people bought a Snuggie.

   I think this shameless self-promotion on Facebook has gotten out of control. BTW: I am awesome.

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   I'm not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.

   They've installed a machine at the BAR which tells you when to stop drinking. Its called an ATM.

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare ass pops up on their screen.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.