Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Whoever said "If you love something, let it go" should have clarified that statement with "but not if it's a baby!"

   I'm so out of shape, I threw my back out taking a poop!

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   I've decided that if I ever go into witness protection my name will be Mr. Dobalina, Mr. Bob Dobalina

   Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.

   Was anyone else hoping that the final Oprah show would include wearing tracksuits, taking poison and waiting for the mother ship to appear?

   I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

   The Statue of Liberty is undergoing renovations. She's sure to attract a lot of immigrants with her new D-cups

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club

   Someone hacked my online bank account and now I have to change my dog's name.

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese

   Can I be held legally responsible if someone gets injured while ROFL?

   What hip hop music needs is more songs set in nightclubs. About nightclubs. Encouraging people to go to nightclubs.

   Just saw a homeless guy wearing a Nickelback shirt. Further proof that listening to Nickelback leads directly to homelessness.

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.