Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   Today is only my second day as a stay-at-home dad but I'm already confused. Do I get the fake tan or boobs first? And what's a zumba class?

   If you can read this then it's your lucky day. I did my monthly Facebook friend deletions and you made the cut! Good Luck next month. ;)

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   If Dr. Seuss were alive today he might write a book about horrible footwear choices and call it Crocs with Socks... and then kill himself.

   Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.

   What the USA Government needs is a Department of Common Sense.

   Tip: Instead of doing that thing where you obviously crop your ex out of the photo, you could actually just take a new picture.

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.

   Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver running late.

   Eighteen is too young to get married! You can't even buy alcohol. If you can't drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

   Don't say "Can I be honest with you?" an hour into the conversation. It leads me to believe you've been lying up until now.

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.

   Still in bed, the kid asked me to come downstairs... said he wanted to show me something "totally awesome." If it's not a bacon tower, I'm gonna be pissed.

   There should be an eject button in cars for people who touch your perfectly-positioned vents.

   Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end. On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

   First time I ever saw a dry-erase board I said "that's remarkable."

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.