Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

   I'm so bored I decided to check out all my female friends' profiles. Some of you have the same boyfriend.

   When I say your slow, I mean that you are as fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through chunky peanut butter. That's slow!

   BREAKING NEWS: So according to my calendar, today is National Alien Abduction Day. In other words, the government has been lying to us. There are aliens! Lol

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Marriage tip: Anytime you tell your wife to do something, use your Male-dominated voice and finish it by saying "I HAVE SPOKEN!!!" She will then realize that you are always right, and she will go do what you asked her to do.

   Here's a pretty good sign that you've had too much to drink on St. Patrick's Day: you wake up the next morning and you look in the mirror and you've got that blue 2000 Flushes mustache.

   Aren't they Middle-Age Mutant Ninja Turtles now?

   What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance. Is there something dirty about car insurance we should know about?

   Happy St. Hangover's Day, everybody.

   Question, Why don't we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?

   Yes sir, I’ve spent more time in Facebook Jail than they gave Smollett.

   Boss spelled backwards is double SOB.

   You call me "Far Right" but I think what you really mean is "Right so Far."

   Every day is St. Patrick's Day when you're a drunk who likes to pinch people.

   Transgender children are like vegetarian cats. You know darn well it's the adult who's making the decision.

   Did you know? Every letter “C” in the words “Pacific Ocean” is pronounced differently.

   So I was in the pool and a woman walked by and said, "I see you like playing with things that are round and buoyant." I said, "Not necessarily, I couldn't find a float." She said, "I was talking to the beach ball."