Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.

   I was at a job interview the other day when the guy asked me, "How would you describe yourself in 5 words?" This was a tough one I thought to myself. So after a minute or two I replied, "I'd do it by talking."

   I can always tell how good my weekend was by how many pictures I have to untag on Monday.

   The fact that Sesame Street had to gently remind people, although Bert & Ernie possess many human characteristics, they remain puppets, & do not have a sexual orientation, just reaffirms my long held belief that most people are complete f*cking idiots.

   I'm not single and I'm not committed... I'm simply on reserve for the one who deserves...

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Just once I would like the pilot to say "Hey gang, who here wants to just keep flying and see where we end up?"

   MySpace is the VHS of the internet.

   When I'm dead, these Facebook status updates will be worth twice as much.

   I have a sweet parking spot at the mall. I'm going to sit here for the next 10 minutes in reverse just to mess with people.

   If I were a gynecologist I would name my practice "All Up In Yo Business."

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   Hey dumb ass. Not every thing I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with, Hey dumb ass.

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   Fat women want to be thinner. Thin women want bigger boobs. Big-boobed women want clothes to fit better. And you know what men want? Women.

   I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   has reached the age where I can't function without my glasses, especially when they're empty.

   When life knocks me down, instead of getting back up I usually lie there and take a nap.

   My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it. As he got out. I said, "Nice Car." "Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."