unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   It took my decades to sleep soundly knowing that rhythm will not in fact get me, tonight or any night

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   Felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Looked over and saw my phone on the table. Afraid to check my back pocket.

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   "Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?