nunthewizr Funny Status Messages

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   They’re gathering information by going through our trash. Learning. Plotting. Raccoons haven’t forgotten that we used to wear them as hats.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   It's a total mood killer when you go in the bathroom after your girlfriend and realize she forgot to flush!

   You may think I'm dumb but you over estimate me.

   Realized I’ve never seen gloves in someone’s glove compartment, and now nothing makes sense anymore

   Don't you hate it when you get that one idiot that pollutes your entire post?

   When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he's homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

   Men - Alcohol impairs your ability to make good decisions. We don't want you to lose that ability... we want her to.

   Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news?

   Got an anxiety attack when I first heard DC was shutting down. Then I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it wasn’t the comic books.

   The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!

   How long are we gonna joke about the government shutting down and pretend like Skynet didn’t just go online?

   Wishing I was still in Grade School:( Miss taking naps in the middle of the day, snack time and recess. The part I miss the most is when you were bad, that hot middle aged Teacher spanked you with her wooden paddle.

   Ever wonder how that one single black hair got all the way up there on your shower wall?

   Fool me once, shame on me. Wait no, it’s shame on you. I think. Anyways, next time I’m gonna stab you.......... a lot.

   If you're the new guy at a Chinese restaurant are you considered the Lo Mein on the totem pole?

   snaxting a thing? Like texting each other pictures of your snacks? Because I kind of think I'd be good at that.

   I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.

   I love babies wearing sunglasses. They are like little tiny, blind jazz musicians.