andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   No thanks CVS, I don’t need a bag. I’ll just wrap up my purchase in the 12 foot receipt you just gave me.

   I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I'll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   if I was rich, I'd do nothing all day from a much nicer couch

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   If history has taught us anything, it's that reheated french fries are gross.

   The cashier at this self checkout is horrible.

   And with the official start of baseball season today, the Chicago Cubs have already been eliminated from the playoffs.

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I run a support group for cats that have never had their pics posted on the internet.

   I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day.

   If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

   If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying

   What if, when you see your therapist jotting down notes, he is only writing his tweets for the next day from your dialog?. Think about it.

   When a financial adviser asks me my goals I'm embarrassed to admit that it's to ride a snowmobile on the moon

   Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I'm 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.

   That girl who sells seashells by the seashore is a moron