Michael Funny Status Messages

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

   Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.

   Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)

   Sooooooooo.... Since the NSA isn't watching right now, I can say whatever I want.... right?

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.

   lost his teddy bear... Will you sleep with me?

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....

   Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.

   if there is one flaw in women, it is this...they forget there worth and how remarkable they truly are!

   John Boehner and Harry Ried get into a feminine slap fight complete with hair pulling and name calling on the steps of the Capitol. See it tonight at midnight on the season finale of "The Government"

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.