MIke M Funny Status Messages

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   When someone complains about facebook making changes, what they really mean is, "I just barely learned how to turn on my computer this year."

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.

   thinks the Winter Olympics would be a lot more interesting if they gave the spectators shotguns and told them to shoot at the skiers! There'd be more speed records that's for darn sure.

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Apparently people bought more TVs for Christmas than they expected so they need to make more.

   REAL! Don't let facebook fool you... Just because you can't smell, taste, or grab him through your computer screen does not mean he doesn't exist. Have faith little one, and your devotion will be rewarded...

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   You know those couples where the wife is 40 something and looks like 20 something, and the husband makes over 100k and the teenagers are respectful and good looking and they go out to eat together on Friday nights as a family? I HATE those people!

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   Wow!  That's wasn't a fart... I think I just backfired! 

   traveling deep into Mordor and picking up the kid's from Sauron's house.

   May you have the luck of the Irish and starve today because you can't find potatoes!