MDS Funny Status Messages

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   The wife put dishwasher tablets on the shopping list. Damn, if I'd known that's what it took I'd bought her the pills sooner

   gave my wife a Klondike bar...still waiting to see what she's going to do

   There is a photo of Obama circulating around FB showing how much he's grayed over the past 4 years since becoming president.. It's hard to believe that one man could age so much worrying about his next round of golf.

   I walked in on my son flushing handfuls of Skittles down the toilet "OMG! Check this out Dad!" He said excitedly "It's just like watching NASCAR at Bristol!"

   When this Ho on Maury found out that the 36th dude tested wasn't the Father, she ran so far backstage, I flipped the Channel and she was running across the set of ESPN!

   Just bought the new book set "Understanding Women" the simplified version. it's 14 volumes with over 876 pages per volume.

   *ATTENTION* I have a copy of tomorrows newspaper complete with sports scores, police blotters, and other interesting facts!.. I'm selling this for $352.83 a true bargain!! I can deliver the newspaper anytime tomorrow after 9:00 am

   My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control ....we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

   I asked the librarian if they have any books on innuendos. "Yes, but it's a fairly large one, so you'll have to take it in the rear"

   the fact that she loves anal is awesome...I just wish she'd layoff the hot peppers!

   Doctor: "In order to find out exactly what's wrong, you'll need to see the nurse and have a blood test." " Alright," I said, "How long will that take?" "About a week." he replied. "A week with your nurse sounds Ok" I said, "But how much damn

   The next four weeks is going to be incredibly difficult for people whose grandmother's actually have been ran over by reindeer.

   Today when you are looking at your pay-stub, keep in mind that the 48 million people on welfare like you!!

   Ladies are not officially old, until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of their faces.

   Life is about friends and family, nothing else matters. it all boils down to how you've impacted those in your circle. The sacrifices you make along the way will be your true legacy . LIVE, LOVE, LEARN.