MBH Funny Status Messages

   I like to walk around my house naked... Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   Are there any workout programs that target the face? You really need one of those.

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   I think this person in the bank drive thru in front of me is refinancing their mortgage.

   Surgery went well... thanks everyone for the cards and flowers, but get real people... send food!

   If you're wearing sweat pants either you just worked out or you've never worked out.

   The best don't-drink-and-drive message ever would be if the Budweiser blimp crashed into the Goodyear blimp during a game.

   The only thing I hate about having a phone is when people call.

   Wife called, she said, "2 packages arrived today. The 1st was your PS3 and the 2nd is the new Rampant Rabbit vibrator we ordered. I can't wait for you to get home and play with me for hours." I said, "You'll be f*cking lucky, I only ordered 1 controller.

   Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma.

   I'm going to name my dog Curiosity and see what my cat loving friends think about that.

   When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   My wife treats me like a god... She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.

   "You think you're better than me?" No, I don't fall prey to the notion that one person can be 'better' than another. How good a person is, is completely impossible to quantify. I do think I'm smarter than you, though. And infinitely more awesome.

   I'm willing to bet the first medicine man was really just a lazy fat ass who figured out a way to get out of hunting or gathering.

   I was just hit by a Prius. It felt like I walked into a tree.

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.