M Funny Status Messages

   If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.

   Sticks and stones may break your bones but PMS can kill you.

   Twinkies are returning to the store shelves which means that people will be renewing their Jenny Craig membership in the very near future.

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   I have an overwhelming urge to give the weatherman a swirly while screaming; "HERE'S A POLAR VORTEX FOR YOU BEE-OTCH!!!"

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   Ladies, the "honey do" list will get completed more completely and more enthusiastically if the last thing on the list is "get awesome BJ from wife."

   Blow me, I'm German...you can kiss the Irishman later.

   n't out government great...now thay have decided to shut down because they can't all agree on how to spend the imaginary money that has not even been printed yet.

   The doctor said I have to start watching what I eat and drink. Today, I watched a ham and cheese omelet, a bacon cheeseburger, a large french fry, a frosty, and now I am getting ready to watch a meat lovers pizza and a cold brew...I got this covered doc.

   My wife has a low tolerance for alcohol when I am drinking it.

   Every branch is full of hard-working intelligent people that always has our best interest in mind...I love the way our government it run. Are you getting this NSA?

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   The first thing you should do if attacked by a grizzly bear is $hit your pants...okay, it wont help but you may as well make $hitting your pants the first thing to do because that is what's going to happen anyway.

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I'm just a butthead."

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   Whoever made up the saying "It's the thought that counts" never got a pair ofcrocs for Christmas.