Jiffy Pop Funny Status Messages

   Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without.

   The media praised Oprah for being humble when compared to other celebrities because she has no "selfies" on Twitter. Apparently the Media has yet to notice that the cover model for "O Magazine" is always the same darn person.

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   ♫♪ " ...It's beginning to look a lot like ̶̶C̶̶H̶̶R̶̶I̶̶S̶̶T̶̶M̶̶A̶̶S̶̶ El Niño, everywhere I go..." ♫♪

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   So apparently everyone is calling One Direction "The new Beatles." Great, now I can't wait to see who gets shot first.

   I may not have grown old gracefully, but having a woman who still loves me has helped me to grow old gratefully.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Sorry yesterday was the 1st day. Didn't you get the memo?

   WTH?? AC/DC Drummer Phil Rudd was arrested for trying to hire a hitman! Well now I'm disillusioned. So much for AC/DC knowing anything at all about "Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap".

   Madonna's actual offer, since her affair with A-Rod, is "Free Herpes to everyone who votes for Hillary!"

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   Just wrapped up a great Father's Day with a phone call with my Dad. He taught me everything I know about fishing, grilling,and fixing things. He also taught me what to say and how to say it if I stub my toe or hit my thumb with a hammer. Thanks Dad!

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   The cost of living has gone up so high that the chance of living it up- especially during the holidays- has gone way down.

   In my younger days I was proud to be on a "first name basis" with everyone at my job. But now as I approach retirement age I find myself to be on more of a "forgotten name basis" with my coworkers.

   Told the owner of my company that I'm not coming in Monday because he has this new "Affluenza" and I don't want to catch it.

   The best thing about all these crazy Potato Chip flavors is that we don't need to make side dishes for the Turkey this year.

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   I just saw a huge and very intricate spider web downstairs, but I didn't see the spider...and if I can't locate this spider to take care of it I might actually be able to stay up to watch the ball drop tonight.