Jeremycakes Funny Status Messages

   I wonder, if I drive by myself, does it still count as a carpool since I'm bringing the voices in my head with me?

   I don't know why the FCC is always complaining about sex on tv. A little sex on tv never hurt anyone.....unless you fall off.

   If there's one thing the internet has taught me over the years.... It's that alot of money would be saved during the deconstruction of old buildings if we just fired some angry birds at them.

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   I'm at Camp Crystal Lake, being followed by this huge guy in a hockey mask holding a machete. He must be following us to make sure we're safe. Gee, what a nice guy.

   Anybody know how to calm down a 5 year old who's high on 3 bowls of Sugar Crisp? HELP!!!

   I ate some green cheese yesterday, thinking it was green for St Patricks day. Turns out it was just really bad cheese! I've been sitting on this toilet for 14 hours.

   Remember a couple years ago when everybody thought Tom Cruise was losing his marbles? Looks like Charlie Sheen has set the new standard for celiberty craziness .Better tell Oprah to hide the couch.

   We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!

   jI just finished installing a flux compacitor in my DeLorean and I'm heading back in time to prevent the band Hanson from releasing the song "Mmmm Bop"! I need to stop that atrocity from ever happening!

   A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body.

   I walked into the bank and put a bag of weed on the desk. The clerk says, "What r you doing?" I said,"I want to open a joint account"

   Watching wrestling. Kinda tired of hearing the fans yell "WHAT???" That catchphrase was old years ago. DAMN YOU STEVE AUSTIN! ;) ;) ;)

   It's amazing how a blue fish with memory trouble can be such a great motivational speaker! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming".

   Hi this is Bob barker encouraging yoiu to help stop the spread of crappy music. Have your Beiber spayed or neutered.

   It's been almost a year, and just for the record, you're STILL lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.

   There's a new soft drink which contains Viagra instead of Caffeine. It's called mount-n-do.

   Behind every successful man is a woman. She's behind him because he's running away from the crazy b1tch as fast as he can.

   (Q) Why are there no female hockey players in the NHL? (A) They don't want to go through 3 periods each game

   I am sensing a great disturbance in the force. A disturbance I havn't felt since Darth W Bush was in office. I fear the new sith lord Darth Pelosi is starting trouble.