GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Some days I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.

   You'll hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign two miles ago like I did.

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   Why does everyone fall on the floor laughing when I tell them I've been good this year?

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!