Funny Status Messages

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   That Jussie dude sounds like such an A-hole you'd think he could have just gotten beat up based on his personality.

   Why is it that people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   Elevator music bothers me on many levels

   Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.

   There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.

   Went to a Black Friday thing a my sweetheart’s house… all clothes were 100% off.

   Breaking news: Santa Claus accused of sexual harassment for having girls sit on his lap and asking if they are naughty.

   You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   A 2018 Harris Poll said Taco Bell was voted the best Mexican Restaurant in the U.S. This, Folks, is why we have the Electoral College.

   "We are not even close." -Romans building Rome, end of first day.

   Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek, when they "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always end up meeting someone?

   Every restaurant in the world is packed on mothers day but they want us to BBQ on fathers day.