Funny Status Messages

   I've heard a lot about Karen lately but what about Felicia. Did she finally leave?

   The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

   I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

   My five year plan is to make it through this year.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

   At this point in my marriage, showering together is just a convenient way to check for ticks.

   Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right, and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority.

   For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

   I'd like to put out an Amber alert for common sense...

   Now all of a sudden having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, a gallon of bleach and plastic sheeting in the trunk of my car is okay.

   Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

   Look, all I know is none of this sh*t was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

   *Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.