Funny Status Messages

   You had me at “we have a warrant”

   I have never met a baby named Gary. It’s like they just start life at 30 years old.

   My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection. I told her I can't go for that.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   If you have a tattoo on your face, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at

   Actually I don't think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.

   Russia has been accused of using Facebook to win an election. That's probably the most productive thing ever done on Facebook.

   Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.

   A new study says that a lot of people on social media today will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   Hey kids, try the real Tide challenge. Get off your butt and wash your own clothes and fold them.

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it's never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbor using it.

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line