Funny Status Messages

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.

   You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.

   [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..

   It's so cold outside, I just accidentally keyed someone's car with my nipples.

   If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Hey Jussie, everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up over it.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   Thinking of putting a Coronavirus Quarantine sign on my door to discourage solicitors.

   Distancing from people & not going out. Drinking too much coffee in the morning. Eating and smoking too much all day. Watching too much tv. Drinking too much at night. Then the pandemic struck.

   I drive more safely when there's food in the passenger seat than when there's a person sitting there...

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.