huck Funny Status Messages

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   The actor Peter Cullen voiced both Eeyore AND Optimus Prime. That trivia will be in your brain forever. You're welcome.

   A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you're hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.

   Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

   People who have permission to call me honey, sugar or sweetie: 1. Truck stop waitresses 2. That’s it

   Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we're camping. With an angry bear close by.

   I’m not going to judge you if you don't like football because of whatever moronic reason you think you have in your clueless head.

   I save time by showing up at my doctor's appointment already wearing a paper gown

   Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop

   Fact: Dogs don't like when you pet their fur in the wrong direction because it exposes the tribal tattoos they got in college

   Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make introductions

   The jerk store called. *removes hat* I'm afraid there's been an accident.

   "I don't see color." - A person who shouldn't eat snow

   "Detectives, we have a grisly murder whose investigation will be most likely result in being killed. Who's one day away from retirement?"

   If you can't say anything nice, at least be vague with a touch of sarcasm, so you can share it with your friends behind their back later

   FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you’re brave enough.

   "OK...that Trust Exercise didn't go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let's keep quiet about this...AS A TEAM!"

   How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.