Mickey Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.
←Rate | 11-17-2015 12:47 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of all days, who deletes someone on Mother's Day....just for that, I'm never talking to my mom again.
←Rate | 05-11-2014 09:50 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had lunch today with a woman. Okay, so the woman was on a TV show eating at the same time I was. Okay, so the woman was Berta from Two and a Half Men.
←Rate | 04-19-2014 16:31 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Auto correct did me in. I've been seeing a girl who perspires a little when we have s-e-x. Hot. I typed, "Hi, sweety", and it changed it ti, "Hi, sweaty." Now she won't take my calls.
←Rate | 02-12-2014 10:52 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.
←Rate | 02-11-2014 09:09 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.
←Rate | 02-04-2014 05:28 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm taking my girl to a Psychologist/Gynecologist. Maybe he's the one who can finally help her understand why she's such a ¢unt.
←Rate | 01-09-2014 05:58 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Polar Vortex...nice term for cold air from Canada, media.... just watch,this summer, when the temps go into the 90's, they'll refer to a heat wave as a "Solar Vortex".
←Rate | 01-08-2014 07:22 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.
←Rate | 01-06-2014 07:10 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jeopardy: The answer is: These are the combined result of a yeast infection and itchy S.T.D. beep beep..."What are crab cakes?"
←Rate | 01-03-2014 15:11 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't know how I didn't get pulled over by the cops last night. I was definitely driving under the influence of a good bl0wj0b.
←Rate | 01-01-2014 10:36 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm such a slacker. It's a brand new year, and I haven't accomplished one d*mn thing.
←Rate | 01-01-2014 08:31 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate Mondays more than a midget hates getting a Yo-Yo for Christmas.
←Rate | 07-08-2013 10:00 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's nothing that screams "originality' like a bar named Cheers.
←Rate | 05-31-2013 14:27 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
←Rate | 05-23-2013 10:47 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!
←Rate | 05-21-2013 10:42 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Indecent Proposal: Movie-1993 A billionaire offers a married couple a million dollars if he can spend one night with the wife. Indecent Proposal 2013: A billionaire offers me a million dollars if I can stay off facebook for one night.
←Rate | 05-16-2013 09:16 by mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon Karma means: "I want to get revenge, but I'm too much of a wu$$ to do it on my own so I'll take solace in the belief that some silly invisible force will do it for me."
←Rate | 05-15-2013 15:30 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.
←Rate | 05-10-2013 13:26 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?
←Rate | 05-10-2013 13:20 by Mickey Comments (0)  

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