@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Chemically speaking... alcohol is a solution.

   I take context out of things.

   I have to say... to lie about taking steroids as long as Lance Armstrong did sure takes a lot of ball.

   Look, baby, it's just not going to work between us: You're a sheep and I'm a border collie. I'm so sorry. I never meant to herd you.

   Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   Gently placing your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shh, not another word" is super romantic... but cops don't seem to think so.

   Who wants to help me fill blow-up dolls with helium and release them tomorrow?

   I wanna buy dolphins and dress 'em in suits so that I can tell my accountant I bought 'em for business porpoises... and we would laugh and laugh.

   Here's how I know I'm smarter than a 5th grader... I didn't have to go to school today.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   If I've learned one thing from Facebook... it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day Facebooking.

   If you see only one hilarious movie about wacky bridesmaids this week... make it “Thor.”

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   I think it's adorable when people assume I'm interested in anything they have to say before I've had my coffee.

   I love cornbread. Not as much as the woman next to me who has "CORNBREAD" tattooed on her arm... but I love it nonetheless.

   Guys... at what point do they stop being skinny jeans and start being pantyhose?