Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.

   If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.

   Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.