Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!

   I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.

   Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.

   Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.

   I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

   "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

   I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.

   I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.

   Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.

   They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.

   I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.

   Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?

   [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me

   Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"