Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're running away from a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, DO NOT play dead!

   One of the main differences between a nudist and streaker is speed.

   You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth.

   Neighbor kid just told me he let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   I pack underwear as if I plan to crap myself for 40 days and nights

   I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

   Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

   If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

   The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off

   My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie. Should I tell him now or let him learn?

   Damn. Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.

   I just saw a commercial that said, "Spend less time cleaning your toilet and have more time for the things you love to do." ... Yeah, like because I spend so much time cleaning my toilet that by the time I'm finished the whole day is over.

   Are we sure Queen Elizabeth's death was "natural causes" and not Reggie Jackson finishing what he started?

   Couldn't you have told me that my password was incorrect BEFORE you made me select all the pictures that have motorcycles?

   Without Trump in the White House, I don't think I'll have the will to live.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, MSNBC. Not a fan of any news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel, The Cartoon Network

   Just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.