Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross
←Rate | 09-17-2020 08:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 08:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
←Rate | 09-17-2020 07:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸
←Rate | 09-16-2020 19:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just saw someone get thrown out of Hobby Lobby for dipping his testicles in the glitter! Pretty nuts, huh?
←Rate | 09-16-2020 19:07 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!
←Rate | 09-16-2020 15:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 11:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
←Rate | 09-16-2020 08:09 Comments (0)  

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