Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun.

   It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren't on fire and don't have hurricanes.

   my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same

   Friend zoned your wife again

   It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

   White House admits quid pro quo. This is getting a lot interesting now.

   I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

   If you’re going Black Friday shopping, be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before you record any fights.

   When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

   "NO NO NO NO" - the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

   Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo. -me, reading the Pringles can.

   YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake

   For $5 I will write "yikes" under one of your ex's selfies.

   All I need is to hear those 3 special words “Want a sandwich?”

   “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

   I don't see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

   Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!