Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 14:20 by @wiz_of_sarcasm Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 14:13 by @wiz_of_sarcasm Comments (0)  

   messageicon The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 13:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.
←Rate | 06-06-2019 07:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now
←Rate | 06-05-2019 10:25 by Jitneyman Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes
←Rate | 06-05-2019 00:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?
←Rate | 06-04-2019 17:06 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 10:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:27 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:25 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 20:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 20:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?
←Rate | 06-03-2019 11:50 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 03:48 Comments (1)  

   messageicon "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.
←Rate | 06-02-2019 17:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette
←Rate | 06-02-2019 16:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”
←Rate | 06-02-2019 11:36 by Raven Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries
←Rate | 06-02-2019 10:34 by X Comments (0)  

   messageicon My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.
←Rate | 06-02-2019 07:05 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  

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