Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like robo calls. I get to make up new cuss words.

   5 year plan? I havent even planned this sentence volcano.

   You buy ready made chocolate milk? Well, aren't you just some kind of titan of finance?

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   It’s hard to stay humble when someone’s dog chooses you over them.

   The irony of being anti-social on social media.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   I will fight for my right to eat delicious things. A snacktivist if you will...

   If I was a spy, my perfect code name would be "Individual 1".

   Turns out the Canary Islands doesn't have any canaries. Just like the Virgin Islands doesn't have any.

   Why is there a permanent setting on my iron ?

   forget about the past you cant change it,forget about the future you cant predict it,forget about the present your not getting one

   Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby!

   Surely not EVERYBODY was Kung Fu Fighting.

   Why is it that every time someone moves to a warmer state all the talk about is warm weather

   The only way I'll watch Jerry McGuire is if you show me the money

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.