Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

   If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

   Yo, idiot below! So we were wrong about that, stop rubbing it in all the God damn time! This is why we hate the libs, they can never let things go!

   Just curious, do you people still think Obama was born in Kenya, or are you still sticking with that fantasy because that's all you have?

   The blow up doll guy! You can tell jokes about anything you know? Though Trump gags may get removed!

   This week's weather forcast...Monday: Room Temperature Tuesday: Room Temperature Wednesday: Room Temperature Thursday: Room Temperature Friday: Room Temperature

   I went to the bank today. I saw a man with a mask and gloves come in and thank God he was just there to rob the place.

   I got a case of corona from walmart and I never felt better!

   Anyone know where I can get plastic eggs big enough to hide hand sanitizer in?

   My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today

   I wore a mask to run errands today Accidentally robbed a bank

   My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

   My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

   Hate to be the one to point out that if you're going around to your friends houses to take "Socially Distancing" pictures and videos with you're missing the point.

   I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

   If your blow up doll develops a runny nose, she is not COVID positive; she's full.

   Coronavirus is like a Thanos you can't see

   I've been social distancing from the gym for years

   I think we all need to be on the same page on this: are we telling kids that the Easter Bunny died of Corona Virus or that Carole Baskin killed him?

   Anyone else feel the love in here?