Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |  Oldest  |  Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 4 of 6055

   messageicon The worst part about working from home is when your coworkers clog the toilet
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A colon can dramatically change the meaning of a sentence. Example: I ate Julie’s sandwich. I ate Julie’s colon.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Caveman 1: Tell me a story. Caveman 2: Once upon a time…. Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Son: Your makeup looks weird Me: I’m not wearing any
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “I put on panties cause there was a spider on the deck and I don’t know where it went.” and other morning texts.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don’t forget to thank a teacher... for their part in creating an entire generation of uneducated, privileged, clueless wannabe social media celebrities with zero work ethic.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:34 by Fazzy Comments (1)  

   messageicon When 50 cent got hungry... 58
←Rate | 07-06-2020 12:04 by DJJackson Comments (0)  

   messageicon My favorite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.
←Rate | 07-06-2020 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio
←Rate | 07-05-2020 22:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks to Facebook I think I now have the attention span of a goldfish.
←Rate | 07-05-2020 21:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon All these people on my list, and not none of ya talking to me... This is kinda awkward. I feel weird now..
←Rate | 07-04-2020 21:26 by MM Comments (0)  

   messageicon Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...
←Rate | 07-04-2020 20:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.
←Rate | 07-04-2020 16:48 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left