Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Yoda from Star Wars last name was “Layeehoo”.

   Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

   Mueller's ART OF THE DEAL.....spend 8-10 mil investigating, recoup 40 mil from Manafort. This should make all Americans very happy.....Mueller is operating at a net profit.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   The economy can only be measured by how well the lower class is doing.

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   To coup or not to coup may one day be the question.

   When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.

   If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   Lie to yourself if ya want ..but he will be elected again in 2020 ..so cry babies cry

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   There's nothing to FEAR, but the book FEAR itself