Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!
←Rate | 08-20-2019 16:26 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  

   messageicon I learned two things today. when you swallow a watermelon seed, they don't digest, but they do float.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 15:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Back in my day, Nintendo Wii meant you peed your pants because you wouldn't move for hours playing Super Mario Bros.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm reading the Cheesecake Factory menu.. please don't tell me how it ends.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?
←Rate | 08-20-2019 13:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon "Life's too short to remove USB safely"
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I want to hire a Chipotle employee to tuck me in at night.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spent most of my early twenties trying to open a pistachio.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They need to make realistic commercials for beds & mattresses. They always show a couple, never a guy with a dog asleep on his chest.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I need a new assistant for my knife-throwing act. Also need a large rug and a gallon of bleach. Please RT.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
←Rate | 08-20-2019 12:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Well that will be the last gender reveal party I'm ever invited to. Guess I shouldn't have stood up and said, "I'll go first!"
←Rate | 08-20-2019 11:44 by Vaterpop Comments (0)  

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