@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

   I will never understand how someone could kill in the name of religion... or unfriend me on facebook.

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   If someone says "I'll get back to you"... it apparently means "I'm going to forget we had this conversation."

   doesn't know what the problem is... I keep drinking 6-packs but my abs never look any better.

   Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   just cut in front of a guy wearing camoflage waiting in a long line and when he said something about it... I told him I didn't see him.

   There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year... play it safe and call in sick tomorrow.

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   If your music has been featured on "Jersey Shore" your band needs to break up.

   They say "You are what you eat"... so maybe we should eat skinny people.

   Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.

   When people tell me I can't do something, I prove them wrong by complaining about it on Facebook.

   drinking at the bar so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you... but I've never driven a bus before.

   I can text my bank and they will text me back my balance... I could do without the LOL at the end of it though.

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   Whenever I see a sock puppet... I wonder if he might be my long-lost son from one of my countless affairs with socks.

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.