Michael Funny Status Messages



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   messageicon My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”
←Rate | 10-22-2010 10:28 by Michael Comments (1)  


   messageicon apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?
←Rate | 05-12-2013 09:05 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?
←Rate | 10-27-2010 13:45 by Michael Comments (4)  


   messageicon Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
←Rate | 02-09-2011 10:26 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Took a nap today... Fell asleep watching golf and woke up and softball was on. That might explain the dream with the lesbians.
←Rate | 07-27-2010 10:25 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)
←Rate | 05-25-2011 11:33 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sooooooooo.... Since the NSA isn't watching right now, I can say whatever I want.... right?
←Rate | 10-01-2013 12:07 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon President Obama's approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.
←Rate | 04-06-2011 11:20 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.
←Rate | 02-27-2013 13:41 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?
←Rate | 07-19-2013 09:58 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon I liked "Hump Day" a lot more back when it was an fun excuse to have sex instead of now when its just that day of the week when pictures of Miley Cyrus getting banged by a camel fill your status feed.
←Rate | 09-18-2013 07:38 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.
←Rate | 10-29-2012 15:05 by michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bitstrip has taught me one thing.... My friends are entirely incapable of being funny.... even in cartoons.
←Rate | 10-25-2013 08:09 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.
←Rate | 09-04-2013 09:26 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.
←Rate | 05-29-2013 11:41 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon lost his teddy bear... Will you sleep with me?
←Rate | 03-20-2009 00:04 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 08:42 by michael Comments (1)  


   messageicon ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....
←Rate | 01-09-2011 14:41 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon In light of Dutchess Katherine going into labor Kanye West would like to remind everyone that his baby already has over 100 pairs of shoes.
←Rate | 07-22-2013 08:02 by Michael Comments (0)  


   messageicon Janet Yellen to become first woman head of the Federal Reserve. For her first action she will raise the interest rate to 9.78% but put it on sale for 6.73% to make it a good deal.
←Rate | 01-07-2014 11:14 by Michael Comments (0)  



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