Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I realize a girl likes me, my first thought is, "What's wrong with this woman that would make her like ME?"

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   You'd think a community activist would have a better handle on the economy by now.

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   When the zombie apocalypse happens, I'm going to blast Michael Jackson's "Thriller", while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.

   Nasa found a planet that has two suns. The fact that it's named Kepler-16b instead of Tatooine is a travesty. I bet Lucas threatened to sue.

   Does anyone know what the other half of the battle is?

   I wonder if that guy that got "mind strangled" on the Death Star ever reported Darth Vader to HR.

   “Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the duck-billed platypus)

   My mind likes to mess with me just before sleeping. Last night I wondered what if dolls contained lost souls. Sitting there, watching, waiting, thinking....Dolls

   Can we just be honest about something: when is ziti ever not baked?

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   If I knew then what I know now, there's no way I would have passed high school algebra.

   "And then a short, bald man got on his horse and bravely rode off into the sunset" (never written phrases)

   Love's redeeming work is done. Fought the fight, the battle won. Death in vain forbids him rise, Christ has opened paradise! Alleluia he is risen

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   why is it the guy who has to pass you, suddenly acts like an 80yr old looking for an address when he's in front of you?

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   Oceans, largest to smallest: Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Southern, Arctic, Billy.

   I listen to the first 30-45 seconds of a butt dial like I'm an FBI agent in a surveillance van.