doc noland Funny Status Messages

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   If you don't get a text or email for 10 minutes you restart your phone because its probably frozen, right?

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   was thinking tonight, if your parents sent you to school with a giant "lunchable" pack for your lunch everyday, they didnt love you

   Am I a hypochondriac? Well, a cloud just went in front of the sun and I thought I was fainting.

   Stephen Hawking has a motor neurone disease that is related to amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, Thats not very smart, I wouldnt have done that!

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   When I am in an extra big hurry I take a "Doc Bath" and rub each nipple with a wet Certs.

   Adult gummy Melatonin: because while fat, drunk and stupid might be the American norm, fat drunk stupid and sleep deprived is unacceptable.

   Fifty bucks says I make way more unnecessary noises than you.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   Even though she never existed, Brent Musberger is hoorny for Manti Te'o dead girlfriend.

   COUGH! COUGH! Autoerotic asphyxiation is really hard to say five times fast with a belt around your neck.

   This weekend I got so drunk, my shadow is now in a baby stroller drooling

   A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but none in the stink.

   People that say the last word in this sentence is my bugaboo.

   pounding vicobeer at 11 in the morning!