Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I just accidentally mixed 'I cant believe its not butter' with my regular butter...now I don't know what to believe

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.

   Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.

   I used to work for a psychic, and when I quit I didn't have to give two weeks notice.

   You can't judge a book by its cover. I read that on a book cover. It's like a life lesson if you really think about it.

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   I like to go into a fitting room, wait for ten minutes and then yell out "Hey, there's no toilet paper in here!"

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   BREAKING NEWS: United States resumes not caring about soccer, looks forward to NFL Football in September

   Just watched Die Hard 2. People in 1990 sure knew how to shrug off a plane crash.

   Today, I again lulled myself in to believing that I can eat at a Taco Bell without ending up screaming for an epidural from the men's room.

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   Halloween. When guys dress up like the psychos they actually are. And girls dress up like the sluts they swear they aren't.

   I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to Ice Ice Baby.

   Sales of Lady Gaga's newest CD have dropped 85% in the second week. As people have started actually listening to it.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example