doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   Nobody at work will play bloody knuckles with me. I swear we've raised a nation of pansies. Now where's my latte and hot rock masseuse?

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys in her at the same time?

   thankful that Anthony Weiner's last name wasnt 'Butthole'.

   Todays brain is brought to you by new sponsers. Yesterdays medical alcohol.

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   Do kids today even realize what great Buubs the Activia lady used to have?

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   Those first few seconds where it could be Bowie or Vanilla Ice is my 'Nam.

   My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   Rough day. Truck broke down, went to find help, ended up in a human centipede.

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   Malaysia Air uses Waze Maps

   If I dont see you this Easter, Hide your own balls

   Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.

   just found 2 new nooks and 7 new crannies on his grandmother this morning.

   If you don't JUMP OUT OF YOUR SEAT at "Streaks on the China..." from the Mr. Belvedere theme song, then get the Heck out of America.