Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I predict you'll be seeing a lot more people using pogo sticks, thanks to these gas prices

   Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   Don't shoot the messenger. Unless his message is that he's going to stab you next week.

   Not sure what's harder to believe the Canucks losing a game they invented, or that Honda thinks Zombies will help sell cars

   Probably the worst thing about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.

   FACT: If you don't ask for butter on your toast but the waitress brings it anyway God won't let the cholesterol harm you.

   Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.

   To feel more relaxed I go to my job interviews naked. I tell the guy "just picture me in a three piece suit and you'll feel less nervous."

   I encourage more people to become hipsters. Eventually, it will make them mainstream and the self loathing can truly begin.

   Michigan State has a new course on surviving a zombie apocalypse. I think it's a trap because the prerequisites are English 101 & Brrrains!!!

   Everyone was so disappointed when I announced, "the next round is on me!" and then came back from the bar with a fistful of Capri Suns

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   If you take the number of minutes it took someone to text you back, multiply it by five & subtract your age, you've got WAY too much free time.

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   9 out of 10 doctors think that other one is just a hater

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   Found a bear in my garbage. Why would someone throw out a perfectly good bear?

   When I can't get an automatic faucet to turn on, I achieve a whole new level of low self esteem.

   I bet Mary and Joseph were like "Gee thanks little drummer boy. Cause the one thing every sleep deprived parent wants for their newborn is a drum solo!"