doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   If men never decided to overlook the emotional craziness of women, humans would become extinct.

   Been trying to write a romantic poem for hours, but so far all I have is "a55 rocket".

   You know I mean business when I spin my phone keyboard into landscape mode.

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   I must have been extreme snoring last night. I woke up this morning and my uvula was on the ceiling.

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   My dating profile: "Doc. 36. I hate long walks on the beach. I like alphaghetti and buttplay." Good, right?

   You say potato, I say Rocky Dennison.

   just ate a Kit Kat and a multivitamin, like a F'n American!

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   It's been 18 years since Kurt Cobain died in case you were waiting for his corpse to become legal.

   Wasn't very creative as a kid. I never had any imaginary friends growing up and neither did any of my friends from planet BeelaBoop.

   Unless you're Roy bloody Rogers, or a Texas oil tycoon, I don't want to see anyone in a GaDern bolo tie

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   Elizabeth Taylor dead? I thought she had been dead for years.