Funny Status Messages

   I'm not a role model, I just play one in front of my kids.

   Why is KFC removing the trans-fat from their menu? Because they want that Variety bucket to pad people's ass without clogging their arteries!

   I'm no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an “I Heart Murder” t-shirt before I’d pick up a call from a blocked number.

   My dad hasn't called with a computer problem in over 48 hours. I'm sending my brother over there to check on them.

   I think my maid stole money from my drawer. I just want her to come clean.

   I'm such a nice guy, I signed my ex-wife up for one of those free bi-polar studies.

   Q: What's long and hard that a girl marrying a Polish guy gets on her wedding night?....... A: his last name.

   Nothing says "Let's work things out" quite like "I'm pregnant".

   The voices in my head keep telling me not to listen to the voices in my head, so now I don't know who to listen to anymore.

   i want to be the reason you forget to feed your cats

   Funniest thing I heard while working in ER.. "What was he doing with his pen*s in a dogs mouth anyway?

   If someone ever tells you that you're putting too much peanut butter on your bread, stop talking to them. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

   Only 3 types of people tell the truth: Kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the f*ck off.

   I bet it's super hard being a single Mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.

   Bernie Sanders found my Mom's iPhone and keeps Facetiming me saying he's going to pay for my college.

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. Take one down, pass it around...hang on...if there are 99, why can't I have my own?

   If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.

   How is it there is a D in fridge but not in refrigerator

   .... This just in .... Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead!