Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Regardless of whether or not I should know better, I thought we had already established that no, I do not.

   You know that feeling when you arrive at work in the morning excited for the new day, looking forward to new challenges? Me neither.

   "Just going on the computer to check one thing!" - Me, three hours ago.

   Saw these ducks in the park today looking at their reflection in the water practicing their teenage slut face.

   If you have to question whether or not your behavior is acceptable - it's probably not.... and we should definitely hang out.

   Had a most interesting conversation this weekend with Jet Li and Conan O'Brian during a private flight back from Morocco about how pathetic it is when average people get on Facebook & pretend that their lives are far more exciting than they actually are.

   Some people are as useless as the second window at McDonald's.

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

   Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could've given her a heads up, but then I wouldn't have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   At the beginning of a relationship, I wonder if women rub their hands together and say "Let the games begin!"

   Next time you try talking to a group of people who claim they can't speak English, just say, “Ok, I'm about to punch everyone who's shoes are untied.” You'll be amazed at how many people will look down.

   I'm dedicating this status update to all the statusless people out there. Stay strong.

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   I generally don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"

   Sometimes words are not enough. That's why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...