Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop

   Question: if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie apocalypse problem?

   "I bet you're told this all the time" means you are about to hear something you've never heard and it's probably going to sting a little.

   In order to pull off wearing a bathrobe in public, you either have to accomplish something amazing or lose your will to live.

   Check out my brilliant & insightful new article in REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! On 2nd thought, don't. It's not for you.

   Fact: Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

   Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens

   just once I want my wife to greet me like the dog, jumping on me, licking me all over and wiggling her butt. But if she's only doing it so she can go out to pee. like the dog, I'd be devastated

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Proverbs 9:8 "do not correct a scoffer, or he will hate you" or in modern words "haters gonna hate"

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   To all those that like to take pics in their bathroom mirrors, clean up the bathroom first!

   Bumper stickers from past elections are the tramp stamps of the automobile world.

   I have never driven over a bridge and not thought it was about to collapse.

   I declined an iTunes Terms & Conditions update. Immediately my phone rang. A cold robotic voice said "wrong move silly human."

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence

   Kanye West leaned back in his chair, stroking his Persian cat. His scheme to become the biggest douche in the world was coming to fruition.

   There are two types of people in this world: People who like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups...and complete and utter monsters.

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   I'll never be mature enough to hear the term “natural gas” and not giggle a little.