joser Funny Status Messages

   MOTORISTS: When going through a speed camera, flash your lights twice

   No man goes before his time....... Unless the boss leaves early...

   Everybody hates me because I'm so universally well-liked...

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   has been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog...

   I'm no volcanologist but has anyone tried throwing in a few virgins?

   The good news is, we destroyed the Ring. The bad news is, we disrupted a hemisphere's worth of air travel and two dozen national economies... our badd...

   Some people's noses and feet are built backwards. Their feet smell and their noses run.

   found out they sell Universal Remotes at Wal*Mart... I cant believe power like that is available to just anyone! Crazy!

   used the search term "the perfect job for me" on google and it laughed at me...

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   Reminder: Buy low and sell high... Unless it's Pot... Then you're buying and selling high...

   Stop everything you're doing... Think about me... You're welcome...

   Conserve water on earth day, drink more beer....

   I'd love to be a lifeguard at the gene pool. I'd let a few of them drown.

   The sign outside the Burger King that says Now Hiring Closers is obviously spelled with a silent C.

   Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

   Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back...

   I know what Cinco de Mayo is, I just don't know when it is.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.