Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   One of the unsung signs of depression is throwing away fast food trash in your bathroom trashcan.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   How come when women do it, they're "cougars," and when I do it, I'm "trespassing on school property"?

   When a woman compliments me on my looks, I assume she's ovulating or something.

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   i wonder when Sarah Palin is going to weigh in on this Stocky Markety Swoopsy Dowsy stuff.

   ok brain. You woke me up at 4:13am. Must be important. Whats that? You want me to think about the Tylenol scare of '82? Done!

   My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.

   "This pu55y won't eat itself!" "Actually, those leggings are proving otherwise."

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   I am going to only talk like a gangster from the 1940s starting right now. See?

   Im so sick of my smartphone. If technology was up to me, we'd just now be getting around to the whistle thingy when a tea kettle gets hot.

   I just read that the Actor who plays Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter said he is going to become a rapper! .... can we all say Expecto Disapointmento!

   BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.

   Whenever you feel powerless, remind yourself that a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water-park.

   I am starving, but not "get up out of the floor of the shower and make some food" starving.