Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

   Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.

   If ANY OF YOU were to invite me to come over and hang out inside of your pillow fort all day, I would be there - with booze.

   Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!"

   I love smiling at random people. Some of them smile back. Some of them get really creeped out, but that makes it worth it.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   Enjoy the little things in life, because one day, you'll look back and realize that they were actually big things.

   I bet I can maı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨̨̨̨̨̨ke you wipe your screen...

   Love many, trust few, and learn to paddle your own canoe.

   Homeless people's dogs must think, "Damn, this is the longest walk ever!"

   Ladies, if your Facebook status is "It's Complicated" it's really not. It's simple, you have a sh^itty boyfriend, and you're co-dependent.

   Proof that getting kicked in the nuts is worse than giving birth. Girls often say, yeah I'd have another baby. Guys never ask to get kicked in the nuts again.

   Had to have "the sex talk" with my 10 yr old. He was a little overwhelmed so I left out the part about golden showers and donkey punches.

   Ladies, there's a BIG difference between make-up and looking like you've been attacked by Crayola.

   I had social networking when I was a kid, too. I think back then it was called "outside."

   A woman was in bed with husband's best friend when phone rang. After hanging up, she turned to her lover and said "That was Jim, but don't worry he won't be home for a while, he's playing cards with you!

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for $35 million. That has to be an Antiques Roadshow record!

   Sex with an ex is like borrowing a car you sold to a friend. The handling is very familiar but you feel a need to abuse it a little.

   Decided to have an Easter egg hunt this year. The golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. Who said we were too old for Easter?!?