Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Thank you Facebook, for making stalking a little easier for everyone by copying comments we've written on other posts under our own recent activity so there's absolutely no privacy left.

   Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.

   Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they're dead.

   How do you know if you're an attention seeking b*tch? Check your Facebook status, and if it reads something like 'having the worst day ever!" ... Bingo.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   I learn from the mistakes of others who have taken my advice.

   Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets...

   Ladies, not all men try to push your buttons. It's just that when you have hundreds of little b!tch switches, it's hard not to bump a few.

   If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

   I didn't realize until Facebook that most of my friends are wannabe farmers, gangsters or cooks.

   you've been unfriended, unfollowed and blocked. Let me know where you can see this, so I can block you there too!

   I'm going to replace my car horn with machine gun audio.

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   I'm laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I'm in "downward facing chalk outline."

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being awesome at everything."

   I'm gonna build a fort under my desk. I checked the employee handbook and there's nothing in there saying I can't..

   On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?

   If you were any smarter I could teach you to fetch.

   Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.